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Sir Alex Ferguson Weds Arsene Wenger
Priest: “Do you 1 2 take SIR ALEX FERGIE as your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for home and away , for premier or FA, in INJURIES and in health, to GIVE OUT 3 POINTS
and cherish until death WIDOUT TROPHIES do you part?” ARSENE WENGER: I DO…
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Conversation between GEJ and Nigerians(Igbo, Hausa, Yoruba)
Conversation between Nigerians(Igbo, Hausa, Yoruba) and GEJ
GEJ: Fuel Now N141
Igbo: Taa! guy which level na, shebi i still buy am for N65 dis morning
GEJ: Bros no be so na, u knw say i wan rebuild all dis my machines wey my GRANDPA dem dey use produce am b4 na, i no fit reduce am, na dat N141 i go sell am oo
The Next week!
GEJ: Well una b my customer n i care for u, I go sell am for N97
Hausa: kai! Aboki, N65 to N141 to N97 naira. Oga Jonah, abeg how much lasti price,..gaskia ne???
Yoruba: N141 to N97 naira bawo! Alagba, èjó, how much last,jale jale??? Èshàànú àjé!
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LAUGH OUT LOUD!!
A guy on his way out met a Lady and decided to give a christian sister a ride. As they were going he placed his hand on her lap pretending as if it was the gear lever.
The sister said MATTEW 7:7, he removed his hand. He touched her lap the 2nd time the sister said mathew 7:7. When the sister gets off she said to the guy, the problem with you is that you don’t read your bible. When he got home he opened his bible to MATTEW 7:7
which read “ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN:
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BUNCH OF 419!
Prove me wrong?
”#occupyNigeria: Asuu strike dec 4, fuel subsidy removal Jan 1 NLC strike Jan 9 if u pick the dates 419”
Anyone agree with us?
MATCH REPORT!!! NLC Vs. FGN
First half ended goaless..this half was tensioned soaked as both sides brought in different
play formations – the referee NASS issued 2 red cards to FGN, 5 corner kicks & 1 penalty, but no
goals recorded…FGN has exhausted its reserve players while NLC reserve bench is packed full with both foreign & home based players…we dont know how the second half will look like but it seems FGN is relying on luck & praying that
NLC will run out of players & go for the kill while NLC head coach says his boys are playing according to instruction but will likely make some few changes & bring in the hit-man PENGASSON an international striker…..The second half looks good & we expect to see at least a goal scored…meanwhile we take some commercials & return for the second half in an hour time 6pm
Nigerian time.
Lol…. Stay with Us!
There are FOUR (4) types of women during SEX
There are FOUR (4) types of women during sex:
We notice some men doesn’t know the category their women fall in and we’ve brought you the Four Basic types of Women, we believe your partner will fall into one of this below:
1. Asmathic – aah, aah, aah,…
2. Religious – oh my God, ooooh Lord…
3. Obedient – yes, yes, oooh yes…
4. Aggressive – fuck me, fuck me, oh fuck me more…!
We hope you love it and we shall be posting for MEN too, if you don’t want to miss it, kindly subcribe to our feed or through your email
Do you Agree and which Category do you fall into? Or which type is your GirlFriend/Wife?
Please Answer before passing it on by clicking on either LIKE, SHARE or TWEET!
Joke: The Demon
A woman just returned from a trip and as soon as
she stepped into the house, after the usual welcome thingies, she asked her younger child, a 6-year-old boy, if everything was alright in the two days she’s been away.
“Ha, mummy, Praise God!”he said,”In fact, I want to give a testimony at Church on Sunday! A strange thing happened when u left, Alright ke, hmmn, everything was not alright o”. Slightly curious, the mum asked,”so what happened sweetie?”
“Soon after you left on Friday, Paul from next door came to see Tracey. We were in the sitting room watching Cartoon Network and I slept off.
But when I awoke, I couldn’t find them both. I
searched everywhere: kitchen, toilets, garden and
still I didn’t find them. I became scared, and then I
heard some murmur coming from your room.
“It was dark inside and I couldn’t see them well at first from the door. But I guess Tracey was mad at something because her eyes were gleaming.
Then I think she was feeling sick and nearly fainted and Paul started breathing in her mouth, just like we were taught in P. E. Class.
And then it got serious because he started having trouble getting her mouth and kept trying to hold
her head in place and all that.
“She must have nearly died because he started to feel her heart! He had trouble finding it and he started feeling all over her body, inside her clothes to find it!
At a point he even started using his mouth, looking for it all over: her thighs and all!
By then Tracey was so sick, she was just moaning
and moving here and there. Paul too was becoming infected and he started grunting like Balu the bear in Jungle Book, !
“Then I saw it, Mummy, I saw it! I saw the demon that possessed them all the while. A black, thick, snake-like demon came out of Paul’s pants, standing strong and rude! They paused for a
second, and then Tracey got brave and decided to bite it to death.
It was a fierce battle as she struggled with it. It kept going in and out of her mouth and Paul was cursing softly all the while.
Eventually, the demon surrendered and started
bleeding white, “Then, Tracey tugged it several times and slapped it, I don’t know why she did something that silly, because, the demon got angry and strong again!
Then Paul and Tracey joined forces and started
squashing it between them. They squashed and squashed again. It was so bad!
Paul was growling this time like an enraged gorilla and Tracey kept saying all sorts. For some time she kept blaming Paul for the trouble
saying,”Oh Paul, you’ve killed me, you’ve finished
me, I’m finished”some times, she was begging God for more power,”Oh Lord, Oh God, give it to me, give it to me !”
And truly, after a long while, the demon died, bleeding a creamier white this time. “They just lay there tired. Paul and Tracey, and were
just talking in low tones.
Suddenly, I think the snake-bite became worrisome, and Tracey became sick again.
Paul started to look for her heart once again and then, oh my God, the demon resurrected! This time, it was Tracey who took charge.
She put it right under her and started sitting on it. It was biting her and she kept yelling and jumping and sitting and Paul was then begging for God to intervene.
He just sat there holding Tracey and calling God several times. Truly God was faithful and The Demon finally died. Tracey slumped across Paul and they both fainted there for a long time!
“When they awoke, Tracey said she was concerned about something and Paul brought a rubber hood out. He said truly, they should have used it. Maybe they would have just strangled the demon instead, “Mummy, I must give testimony in Church on Sunday!
If not for God, imagine!
And I must say, you have a brave daughter in
Tracey!”
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JOKES: LETTER TO BOYFRIENDS AND GIRLFRIENDS
*LETTER TO THE BOYFRIENDS
We the Association of Nigerian Girlfriends, hereby
inform you that,henceforth, we have removed all
forms of subsidies from our monthly upkeep;
hair,clothing,recharge cards/BIS, feeding subsidies. We have been very kind in the past by augumenting whatever you give us with what we have and you have gone ahead to label us materialistic. Now,no more mercies…relationship is not by force. If you must be in one,be ready to be responsible for our upkeep. We know that you people may decide to protest or even go on strike. You may do as you wish. We will await you at home.
Yours Sincerely,
The Girlfriends association of Nigeria.
*LETTER TO THE GIRLFRIENDS
We the Association of Nigerian BOYfriends, hereby
inform you that,henceforth, we have removed all
forms of subsidies from our monthly upkeep;
hair,clothing,recharge cards/BIS, feeding subsidies.
We have been very kind in the past by providing and paying all the above bills but now it’s ur turn to do so by paying For our monthly upkeep;
hair,clothing,recharge cards/BIS, feeding etc. Pls no complain and be informed that we’ve comply to ur request by augmenting whatever you ask for when it’s not enough and you have gone ahead to label us moron, fool n co . Now, no more mercies…
NOTE:relationship is not by force. If you
must be in one,be ready to be responsible for our
upkeep. We know that you people may decide to
protest or even go on strike. You may do as you wish. You might plan to await us at home but please be informed that we’re guys and we can goto any Girl that comply with us without hesitating to stay away from our matrimonial home for years and leave you to face the consequences . BE WARNED!!
Yours Sincerely,
The BOYfriends association of Nigeria.
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LeTTer from NEPA aka PHCN
The Area Manager,
NEPA,
Lagos
Dear Sir,
COMPLAINT ABOUT YOUR SERVICES
I am writing to you with a deep
sense of humility and
gentleness.
I consider this a great
opportunity to communicate with an entity as awe-inspiring
as yourself. Firstly, I bring
greetings to you from residents
of my area in Lagos.
As a dutiful citizen, I consider
this letter as part of my civic
responsibilities. Great countries
comprise of citizens who are
alive to their responsibilities. As
a
famous musician once said, “Ask not what your country can eat
from you but what you can eat
from your country.”
I have benefited immensely
from
this country; therefore I have decided to give back.
I want to bring to your notice
some strange occurrences which
have been happening in my
area.
I want to sadly inform you that in
the last 2 weeks, electricity has
been stable. In other words, we
sleep and wake up with
electricity, we go to work and
come back and electricity is still running. This is a terribly new
and I must add DANGEROUS
development in the lives of
residents of my area. This is
something we are not used to.
This is too much electricity for us
to handle. In the first week of
constant electricity, I started
acting strangely. I ironed all my
clothes because I didn’t know
when “light” will be impounded on your orders. After 2 days, the
“light” was still there. Therefore,
I
proceeded to re-iron the ironed
clothes. My fridge which had not
seen “4 hours” of constant light for months suddenly started
freezing. In order to enjoy the
maximum effects of
refrigeration, I have decided to
be drinking 20 cups of cold
water before I go to sleep. Once I
finish a cup, I put the bottle
back
into the fridge. After 10
minutes,
the water cools and I drink. I just
don’t know what to do. All the
Ceiling fans in my house have
been switched on alongside my
AC. My deck is playing at a high
level. My life is now in state of chaos because of constant
“light”. My TV and VCD player
are
complaining of high blood
pressure, as they have been
terribly overworked in the last few weeks. Half of my light
bulbs
have gone on strike to protest
their resurrection from blissful
death.
All the customers in the beer parlour beside my house are
complaining that the beer is too
cold and wants to destroy their
teeth. Even the rats and
cockroaches are complaining
that human assailants find it easier to track and exterminate
them under electric light than
under candlelight.
All the witches and wizards that
regularly visited me in my sleep
have suddenly taken flight in the
presence of “light”. Now I have
to
review my membership of MFM
(Mountain of Fire and Miracles)
since their work has been done. Can you imagine what will
happen to the membership of
churches if constant ‘light’
persists? No more demons
meaning No more offerings.
With the above situation not abating, I decided to seek the
reason behind this strange
situation. This task was made
easy for me when I realised that
it was the work of saboteurs.
Sabotage is the main reason for anything going wrong / right in
our country. Our elections were
sabotaged, our president’s
health is being sabotaged.
Therefore this constant “light” is
the handiwork of saboteurs within your work system. These
disgruntled individuals are
enemies of progress who want
you miss your set targets. These
enemies want you to score very
low on your KPI assessment. I realised this fact when I
stumbled on a document
showing your Key Performance
Indicators for every month.
These are:
1. Explosive growth in the amount of Candle-lit dinners
and
balcony-bedrooms
2. Massive boom in the sales of
Candles, torchlight, generators,
inverters and lanterns 3. Increased work place
productivity due to Employees
spending at least 16 hours at
work because there is no light
at
home 4. Massive growth of Rock music
fan clubs being aided by the
endless sound of generators
that
are switched on overnight.
5. Volume of human blood being
sucked by mosquitoes
unchallenged by ceiling/
standing
fans
6. Incidence of heat rashes 7. Large Increase in Naming
ceremonies: When people have
no light at home, what else do
they do with their time other
than *******?
Sir, I strongly feel that the above
achievements will not be
possible
if we keep on having “light”.
The
saboteurs in your workplace will
make you look silly and
incapable
in front of your bosses. The
repercussions of this charade
would be unbearable. This is why
I am writing to you now. As a
responsible citizen, if I do not
volunteer this information, I
know that I will be the one to
suffer. The day you realise that I have been enjoying endless
light
for 2 weeks, you will pay me
back with 2 black months. The
end will be worse than the
beginning, thereof. I am at a crossroad. This is a major
dilemma. Should I keep quiet?
No
I won’t. This is because Evil
triumphs when Good Men keep
silent. Your incompetent staffs have left the light switch on and
gone to sleep. I know you will
take back all that we have
stolen
from you but Please remember
my house in the day of recompense.
Your humble servant
Gist Plaza 